By Christopher Moore
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Disunited States of America,
In these trying times of keyboard warriors, chronic disrespect, and the pathological overuse of the phrase “speak your truth,” I propose a simple, elegant, and time-honored solution to restore civility to public discourse:
Bring back dueling.
Yes, actual dueling. Pistols at dawn. Sabers in the town square. Even rock-paper-scissors with live grenades if you want to modernize it.
Let me be clear: I don’t mean senseless violence. I mean honor-based conflict resolution, like our powdered-wigged forefathers intended. The Founding Fathers were many things—racist, elitist, probably drunk—but one thing they weren’t was disrespectful without consequence. Say something reckless to Alexander Hamilton? Boom. Now you’re bleeding in a New Jersey field while Aaron Burr polishes his dueling pistol and hums the national anthem.
We’re not proposing chaos—we’re proposing accountability.
Just Imagine…
A dude cuts you off in traffic, flips you off, and calls your truck “small.” You don’t scream into the void—you calmly roll down the window and say: “Sir, I challenge you to a duel.”
Some TikTok influencer in LA posts a 3-minute monologue about how blue-collar workers are “emotionally underdeveloped.” Suddenly they’re sweating because some mechanic from Omaha just slid a velvet glove into their DMs.
That one guy in the comment section of every Facebook post—the one who uses all caps and insults everyone’s mom—yeah, he’d be real quiet real quick.
Dueling is not violence. Dueling is preventative medicine for the soul. It is the spiritual equivalent of a smoke detector. It says: “Before you run your mouth, you’d better be ready to back it up with a flintlock and a prayer.”
Terms & Conditions (For the Lawyers)
No dueling over sports teams. We’re not animals.
Duels must be agreed upon by both parties and officiated by a Notary Public or at least someone with a beard and a stopwatch.
No dueling minors. However, training them with Simulation rounds is acceptable and encouraged.
Benefits to Society
Social media becomes 80% quieter overnight. No one’s typing death threats if they might get a calendar invite for pistols at dawn.
Politics becomes interesting again. Imagine presidential debates ending with a fencing match. Finally, some accountability in government.
Kids learn respect. You can’t raise your voice to your teacher if she has a dueling sash and 3 confirmed victories.
In conclusion, the restoration of dueling is not barbaric. It is a return to form. A realignment of the human soul with consequences. A bold middle finger to the age of cowardice.
So let us bring back the code of honor. The white gloves. The walk ten paces and turn. Let us once again ask the question:
“Would you still say that if you knew you could get slapped with a glove and shot at sunrise?”
Probably not. And that’s the point.
Sincerely,
The Gun Loving Hippie Dad … Who Fixes Stuff
Ambassador of the Department of Shut Your Mouth or Meet Me at High Noon
P.S. If you disagree with this proposal… you know where to find me.
Keep reading
The Death of Satire: Please Send Thoughts, Prayers, and Unsubscribes
The satire essay behind the absurd proposal.
The MAGA Continental Army
Another fictional revival of powdered-wig solutions.
