By Christopher Moore
It began, as all great American tragedies do, with a press conference.
Trump stood at a podium flanked by two flags, an eagle that looked mildly embarrassed, and Pete Hegseth—who was wearing a tricorn hat.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Trump began, “our military used to be tough. The toughest. George Washington tough. No woke pronouns, no computers, no fancy drones that need batteries made in China. Just men, powder, and freedom.”
Hegseth nodded with the enthusiasm of a man who had just discovered flintlocks on Amazon.
“We’re taking America back to the golden age of warfare,” he declared. “When men were men, battles were smoky, and reload times built character.”
Within weeks, “Operation Backfire” was launched. Billions were spent de-upgrading the military. The Pentagon was rebranded as “The Octagon” after half the computers were replaced with parchment and quills.
The Navy’s destroyers were retrofitted with sails “for energy independence.”
The Air Force was given hot-air balloons with eagles painted on the side.
The Space Force was downsized to one guy with a telescope and a ladder.
When reporters questioned the strategy, Trump explained, “Cybersecurity is easy when you don’t have computers. China can’t hack parchment, folks. Everybody’s saying it.”
Basic training was now called “Ye Olde Boot Camp.” Recruits wore powdered wigs instead of helmets, and bayonet drills were replaced by musket-selfie time for Truth Social.
“Discipline,” Hegseth shouted during morning formation, “means standing in a straight line while the enemy reloads. None of this crouching behind walls nonsense. That’s what cowards and Canadians do.”
Meanwhile, Navy SEALs were rebranded as “Navy Otters,” trained to paddle quietly and deliver handwritten letters of surrender to enemy ships.
When war finally came, it wasn’t with China or Russia, it was with Silicon Valley.
The “tech tyrants,” as Trump called them, refused to comply with the new “No Electricity for Patriots” act.
“We’re liberating America from Wi-Fi tyranny,” Trump proclaimed as he rode into battle on a gold-plated horse named “Covfefe.”
Hegseth followed on foot, carrying a flag that read, Don’t Tread on My Algorithms.
The battle began at sunrise when the Patriots attempted to storm Google HQ using muskets and bravery. Unfortunately, the reload time between shots was roughly twelve minutes, and their horses refused to cross the electric scooter parking lot.
When Google countered with AI-generated memes mocking the revolution, morale collapsed instantly.
By noon, the “Continental MAGA Army” had surrendered. But Trump still declared victory on Truth Social:
“HUGE WIN! We liberated America from technology. Biggley. No one can find the internet now. PERFECT PEACE. Hegseth was very brave. Maybe the bravest.”
Hegseth, covered in soot and confusion, nodded. “Sir, we’ve brought back discipline, honor, and the bayonet jab.”
Trump smiled. “Tremendous jab. People are saying it’s the best jab. Better than Pfizer’s.”
The Department of Defense was permanently replaced by the Ministry of Muskets. The national anthem was rewritten to include the word “ye.” Soldiers were required to swear an oath of allegiance on a copy of the Art of the Deal bound in leather and freedom.
And though America’s enemies laughed, one truth remained undeniable:
No one could hack parchment.
And that, according to Trump, was “the biggest technological achievement in American history.”
-The Gun Loving Hippie Dad … Who Fixes Stuff
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