Me and My GoatGuns: The Tiny Arsenal That Took Over My Damn Life

By Christopher Moore

You know how it starts.
Just a little hobby. Just a cool thing to put on your desk. Something small. Something harmless.

Until it’s not.

Until you’re standing in the middle of your living room, surrounded by tiny rifles, posing your Shih Tzus for tactical battle scenes, and seriously considering whether you should add a wing to your house or kick a couple of your kids out.

That’s me. That’s my life now. And honestly?
I wouldn’t have it any other way.

They Got Me With Just One

It always starts with one.

“That’s neat,” I told myself. “Something to fidget with. Something for the desk.”
That’s how they hook you.

Fast forward:
I now own everything currently on the GoatGuns website.
I’ve got several discontinued models.
I’ve got two customs from Gun Ink Designs.
I’ve customized five of my own.
I’m sitting at 78 GoatGuns and counting.
And yeah—I’ve got two more already on preorder. Because of course I do.

I didn’t trip into this addiction—I kicked the damn door in.

My Fiance Kate: The Real MVP (AKA My Enabler)

Most people would be in trouble with their fiancé at this point.
Not me.

Kate’s not just cool with it—she’s out here fueling the fire.
She buys me GoatGuns. She finds the discontinued ones.
She bought me an airbrush kit, probably knowing damn well I’d go full goblin mode with it.

I built a whole ass paint booth in the garage. Not a cardboard box with a fan—no. Lights. Filters. Exhaust fans. If OSHA shows up, they’re giving me a gold star.

When GoatGuns drops a new model, Kate doesn’t ask if I want it.
She’s like, “You preordering that or do you want me to handle it?”
That’s love. That’s respect. That’s a keeper.

Our Pets Are In The Trenches With Me

Our two Shih Tzus—our Shitty Zoos—aren’t just watching this happen.
They’re in it. So are the cats.

I make them pose with my GoatGuns.
They’ve stood guard on my display wall.
They’ve been fully geared-up soldiers in a tactical Elf on the Shelf battle scene.
That’s right.
Tiny rifles. Cotton ball explosions. Elves pinned down under suppressive Shitty Zoo fire. It was legendary.

Do the animals know what’s going on? Absolutely not.
Do they care? Nope.
Do they get treats afterward? Always.

The Big-Ass Wall That’s Not Big Enough

I built a big ass display wall for all these GoatGuns.

It was supposed to be enough.
It’s not enough.

It’s now dangerously small.

Options I’m considering:

Build a new wing on the house

Kick out a couple kids

Just start stacking them vertically and pray

I’m not saying I have a problem. I’m just saying the square footage of my home might need to be reassessed.

The Cult: GoatGun Addicts Facebook Group

You think you’re alone until you stumble into the GoatGun Addicts Facebook Group.
And then you realize you’ve joined a tiny tactical cult.

We post our builds. We flex our rare finds.
We have heated debates about which tiny mags snap in the best.
We mourn lost bipod parts swallowed by the carpet abyss.

We have a guy that can 3D print virtually any attachment to scale with scary precision.

But here’s where it gets straight-up ridiculous: the eBay price wars.

There are discontinued GoatGuns out there going for $200 to $500.
Tiny rifles.
Selling for the price of a car payment.

There was a camo model on eBay that went for over 500 bucks and one on bid right now already over $800.
That’s insanity. That’s the black-market trading post of the GoatGun underworld.
You’ll see a model that was $39 retail, now going for $350 like it’s some ancient relic. And you know what? Some of us still pay it. Because the GoatGun life is a sickness.

And I refuse to be cured.

Final Thoughts: The GoatGun Life Chose Me

Some people collect coins.
Some people fish.
Some people knit.

Me? I’m out here building a tactical, fully customizable, tiny-ass arsenal.
I’ve got a fiancé who buys me GoatGuns without even asking.
I’ve got two Shitty Zoos who pose on command like tiny mercenaries.
I’ve got a GoatGun cult that understands me.
And I’ve got a house that’s quickly running out of real estate.

So here’s to the GoatGun life:
May your mags always click.
May your Elf on the Shelf battles always escalate.
May your eBay bids always hit before some scalper triples the price or snipers you last second.

And may you find someone who preorders your next GoatGun before you even have to ask.
-The Gun Loving Hippie Dad … Who Fixes Stuff

Rants, repairs, and realness