By Christopher Moore
I’ve been called a socialist so many goddamn times this year that I’ve decided to look into it.
And folks, I’ve got terrible fucking news.
Apparently we’re surrounded by socialists.
They’re driving pickups, flying Gadsden flags, collecting Social Security, taking farm subsidies, and calling the fire department when the garage catches fire.
Some are running for Congress.
The poor bastards don’t even know it.
Well, according to their own definition, anyway.
America Has a Definition Problem
Actual socialism generally concerns social or collective ownership or control of productive resources.
There are different socialist traditions, and they disagree about markets, planning, and government.
But socialism does not simply mean the government does something.
Public roads, Social Security, Medicare, regulations, subsidies and welfare programs aren’t automatically socialism.
America has a mixed capitalist economy.
Somewhere along the way, though, millions adopted a simpler definition: socialism is when the government spends money on someone I don’t like.
That’s easy to remember.
It’s also fucking stupid.
The Pickup-Truck Socialist
The rugged individualist wants Washington out of his life—unless drought hits, crop insurance pays out, or a federal disaster program keeps the farm afloat.
Now, farmers have legitimate reasons to support agricultural risk programs.
Food security matters.
I’m not attacking farmers.
I’m attacking the mental gymnastics that make assistance noble when the recipient owns a tractor and immoral when the recipient wears a Walmart vest.
Neither a farm subsidy nor SNAP automatically establishes socialism.
If your philosophy changes with the recipient’s wardrobe, you don’t have a philosophy.
You have a fucking costume.
The Medicare-and-Social-Security Socialist
KEEP THE GOVERNMENT OUT OF MY HEALTHCARE, says the fellow holding a Medicare card.
Social Security is contributory social insurance; Medicare is public health insurance operating with private providers.
Neither is proof of socialist ownership.
But if your personal definition says any government-administered financial security is socialism, congratulations: you’ve just declared war on Grandma.
Why is publicly supported medical care reasonable at 65 but supposedly Stalinist at 35?
You can debate eligibility, cost, solvency and design without pretending the economic system changes on your birthday.
The Military Socialist
I’m a Marine veteran.
Government paid my salary, bought the equipment, provided medical care and supported education benefits.
Does that make the Marine Corps socialist?
No, you magnificent fucking idiots.
It makes it a publicly funded military.
But if taxpayer-funded healthcare and education are inherently socialism, what do you call military healthcare and the GI Bill?
We can justify benefits for service members and still have an adult conversation about benefits for civilians.
Government spending doesn’t magically become capitalism when the recipient salutes.
Nebraska: The Socialists Have Already Taken Over the Power Grid
Here’s the one that ought to make Nebraska conservatives choke on their coffee.
Nebraska is the only state where every retail electric customer is served by consumer-owned utilities—public power districts, municipal systems and cooperatives.
This isn’t just a government check sent to a private company.
These are actual publicly or cooperatively owned enterprises delivering electricity.
Does that make Nebraska a socialist state?
No.
It makes Nebraska a capitalist state with a striking example of collective ownership in one industry.
And that distinction matters.
If you scream socialism at public healthcare while praising Nebraska public power, you owe us an explanation more sophisticated than ‘that’s different because I like it.’ Source: Nebraska Power Review Board.
The PPP Forgiveness Socialist
Remember the Paycheck Protection Program?
It was designed as forgivable business lending during an extraordinary pandemic emergency.
It helped many employers keep workers on payroll.
That’s a legitimate argument for it.
But the people who received forgiveness and then declared every other kind of debt relief an unforgivable moral failure deserve a special award for competitive hypocrisy.
These programs had different legal purposes and conditions; comparing them isn’t proof they should be treated identically.
It’s proof that ‘government help is always bad’ is a bullshit argument when the speaker has exceptions for himself.
The Congressional Research Service reports more than 11 million PPP loans totaling over $785 billion. Source: CRS.
The Billionaire Stadium Socialist
Now let’s talk about billionaires.
A team owner wants a new stadium.
Suddenly, public financing, tax breaks and infrastructure spending become an exciting partnership for economic development.
A city can argue a stadium produces benefits, but those promises deserve scrutiny, not worship.
When a billionaire wants taxpayers to help build a sports palace, it’s an investment.
When a struggling parent wants help with rent, it’s dependency.
That’s not an economic theory.
That’s a class preference wearing a fucking necktie.
The Corporate-Welfare Socialist
We bailed out financial institutions in crises.
We subsidize industries, offer tax credits and finance research.
Some interventions are justified; some are wasteful; some create moral hazard.
But government aid to a private company is not the same thing as collective ownership.
A company can pocket subsidies while its shareholders retain the upside.
That isn’t socialism.
Sometimes it’s just capitalism with a taxpayer-funded safety net for people wealthy enough to hire lobbyists.
And don’t pretend only one party does it.
Republicans love the interventions they call national security, agriculture and jobs.
Democrats love the interventions they call clean energy, manufacturing and jobs.
Funny how ‘jobs’ becomes a universal ideological solvent.
The Research Socialist
Love GPS?
Weather forecasting?
Modern medicine?
Semiconductors?
Private enterprise has built astonishing things using knowledge and infrastructure supported by public research.
Government research doesn’t make the resulting products socialist.
It does make the claim that every innovation came from heroic lone entrepreneurs who never benefited from public investment pretty fucking ridiculous.
Markets and public institutions interact.
They always have.
The real debate is whether a specific investment is worthwhile and who captures the rewards.
The Red-State and Blue-State Socialists
California is socialist, they say.
New York is socialist.
Meanwhile, states of every political color use federal highways, Medicaid financing, disaster aid, education funding and infrastructure grants.
Not every state receives the same amount or contributes the same amount, and those comparisons require care.
But the performance is familiar: money for their state is wasteful redistribution; money for ours is getting our fair share.
Watch politicians rail against federal spending on Monday and pose with a giant grant check on Tuesday.
Apparently socialism ends where the ribbon-cutting begins.
And Yes, Actual Socialists, You’re Getting Some Too
If you genuinely support socialism, congratulations: you’re not exempt from scrutiny.
Worker ownership does not eliminate bad management.
State ownership does not guarantee competence.
Central planning has serious historical failures.
And authoritarian regimes don’t become acceptable because they use egalitarian language.
Nor is Denmark some magical socialist fairyland.
Nordic countries are market economies with extensive social protections, strong labor institutions and substantial taxation.
If you want those policies, make the case for the policies.
Don’t pretend the countries abolished capitalism.
Every system has tradeoffs.
Your favorite one isn’t exempt.
What the Fuck Am I, Then?
I own guns.
I believe in individual liberty and personal responsibility.
I’m a Marine veteran.
I think capitalism can be a tremendous engine of innovation, and I think unchecked concentrations of private power can crush the competition capitalism supposedly celebrates.
I believe government has legitimate duties.
I also believe government can be wasteful, arrogant and incompetent.
I support good ideas and criticize bad ones.
If I defend gun rights, I’m conservative.
If I defend healthcare access, I’m socialist.
If I criticize corporate power, I’m communist.
If I criticize government overreach, I’m libertarian.
If I do all four?
ERROR 404: PARTY AFFILIATION NOT FOUND.
Here’s the Part That’s Going to Break Your Heart
We’ve trained ourselves to fight over labels instead of asking who benefits.
A politician doesn’t have to explain why a proposal is too expensive if he can shout SOCIALISM.
Another doesn’t have to defend a lousy subsidy if she calls it an INVESTMENT.
Both can avoid discussing the actual costs, beneficiaries, incentives, tradeoffs and results.
That’s the scam.
And we keep buying tickets to the fucking circus.
The Next Time Someone Calls You a Socialist
Ask them to define it.
Ask whether they’re talking about social ownership, public services, insurance, regulation, redistribution or a policy they simply dislike.
Those are not interchangeable words.
Ask whether their definition applies to the programs they personally use.
Then watch the exceptions arrive.
I’m not arguing that every government program is good.
I’m arguing that the argument should start after we’ve identified what the hell we’re talking about.
And if that makes me a socialist in your eyes, fine.
But before you throw that word around again, check your own beliefs.
According to your definition, there’s a pretty good chance you’re one too.
And I hate to break your fucking heart.
-The Gun Loving Hippie Dad …
Who Fixes Stuff
Read the book
If you’re tired of being told to pick a team while both sides rob the concession stand, I wrote a whole damn book about it.
The Bipartisan Circus: How Clowns from Both Sides Keep Robbing the Concession Stand — Find it on Amazon (paperback) · Kindle edition · Book details and reviews.
More from the author
Moore 2 the Story — independent reporting, investigations, and commentary.
Polarization: A Mechanical Failure · The Curious Case of Senator Mark Kelly and Whiskey Pete Hegseth
Sources and context
Nebraska Power Review Board — public power · Small Business Administration — PPP · Social Security Administration — social insurance.
Editorial note: The cartoons are satirical illustrations, not depictions of identifiable people or documented individual transactions. Public spending, social insurance, and collective ownership are distinct economic concepts.
